On A Season of Waiting

Advent is the season of preparing for the coming of Jesus. I have also read that it is a season of preparing for the 2nd coming. This year, for me, it is a season of waiting.

I did it guys! I have finished my application to join the Adorers of the Blood of Christ! It is all out of my hands now and on its way to leadership. This whole thing feels super surreal.

It's now time for me to wait. It seems fitting that it is during Advent that I am doing my waiting. I'm waiting on so many things. Will I get accepted? Where will be my welcoming community? Who will be my welcoming community? When will I get to move into community?

This Advent I will focus my frustrations of not knowing so many things into prayer. It will be a prayerful Advent as I await not only the coming of Jesus, but the answer to so many questions!

My Parish

Over the last year, one thing I have truly worked hard on is going to mass for the Eucharist and not because I liked the priest at that particular parish. My parish is at risk of getting closed. This devastated me because this is where I was baptized, received my first reconciliation and first communion, and was confirmed. I kind of hope to possibly say vows at my church someday. 

As much as it bothered me that my parish was at risk of closing, I was not attending mass there because I didn't like the priest. He tended to be long winded and I struggled with following his thoughts during the homily. Then I had my big revelation. 

If people aren't attending mass in their parish, then how will they know that we want our parish to stay opened?

With this thought, I decided to make en effort to attend mass in my home parish. I attended mass almost every Saturday night. When I missed it on Saturday, I went Sunday morning. The priest grew on me and I realized he should not have kept me away from my parish home. 

Then summer came and I found myself gone many weekends and unable to be at my parish home for mass. I missed it. I was finally finding my place in my parish as an adult! 

Then I moved.

I miss my parish family. I miss knowing people when I go to mass. I miss knowing where I sit and the songs that are going to be used. I miss the awkward chit chat at the end of mass. I miss my priest awkwardly asking how formation is going. I miss the church ladies and their hugs. I miss being able to leave my purse in the car because I know no one is going to mess with it. I miss being Eucharistic Minister.

This parish will always be my home parish. I look forward to being there for Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. I will soak in as much of it as I can while I am home. In the meantime, I think I'll attend mass with the sisters this week. I need some familiar faces this week.

Oh, look, a Post!

Oh, hey there! Long time no see! It's been a crazy busy few months for me!

Back in June, I had a freak out moment where I was doubting everything I was doing. I was incredibly unhappy and didn't know if becoming a sister was what I should do. I had been turned down by one job, interviewed for another and offered one that I would love, but it would not pay enough for me to live on. I was really bummed. I pushed back my application to join the sisters and spent time focusing on me.

July brought more crazy-ness. My vocation director was in Italy at a formation conference. This gave me space and time to get over the fears I had back in June. I began wondering if I was joining the right order. Had I talked to enough people? I felt like I had left a window open with one order and needed the closer. I arranged a meeting and soon realized that I was, indeed, right where I was suppose to be. The end of July brought much craziness!

I had about given up hope of finding a full time teacher job. This summer, I had applied to so many different schools, I figured God was calling me somewhere else. The last week in July, I heard from a Catholic school in Wichita, KS. I had my interview, then I waited. While I was waiting, I had also heard from a Catholic school in New Mexico. I was offered the job in Wichita on a Thursday, interviewed for the New Mexico job on Friday and was unofficially offered that job. I had been applying to teach in Wichita for a year and half. I took that job!

August brought trips to Wichita to start the set-up process for my classroom and then to move in. Right after I made the drive here to move, I flew out to go to Chicago for Catholics on Call. I know I have said it before, but I can't spread things out. I do all things all at once. I have officially been in my apartment for a month! 

I am now a 2nd grade teacher at a small Catholic school in Wichita, KS. I have 21 students. I'm still slightly dazed that I am actually here. I was offered the job and then had to move within 2 weeks to start school. I am back on track with my application and looking to finish it before Christmas. I am happy and starting to find my grove here in Kansas!

See! I'm a teacher and everything!

A Lesson Learned the Hard Way

As I (think) I have mentioned, June was a busy month for me. 

June 8-11: Wichita Trip

June 12-14: TEC 50th Anniversary (I was in charge of the Wheat Team)

June 15-19: Ruma Visit

June 19-21: Assembly of US Region Sisters

June 21: Tickets to the Muny

I had spread myself a bit too thin and it stressed me out. These were all things I wanted to do, but should I? I also had family from out of state in June 12-14, would I get a chance to visit with them? I was/am applying for jobs that are full time and come with benefits, but not having much luck.

As you can see from my last post, I had a blast on my Wichita trip! I came home that Thursday and crashed! I had *hoped* to sleep until about 10am Friday. I would then get up and head to Belleville for the TEC 50th. I received a text at 7:30am asking if I could come early. I was at the 50th by 9:30am...I didn't get to sleep in and felt lucky to have clean clothes on. The day went well. They even gave me this awesome walkie-talkie comets with secret service earpiece!

I didn't get home until after midnight and was up again around 6am. This was the pattern for the weekend. I was exhausted by Sunday! Saturday night/Sunday consisted of a complete breakdown doubting my entire discernment. I wondered if I was going to fast. I was unsure if I should go on the Ruma visit. I was late Sunday morning getting to the 50th because I had been crying in my car. Walking in to the church, I began crying again. Once mass started, more tears of doubt. I spent the first part of mass in the bathroom, crying. And texting my vocation director. I did t know how to handle all these emotions. She was going to be in town the next day so I made her promise that we would have time to talk and I promised I would not back out (yet) from the visit.

Monday I slept and felt better, but I knew I needed to talk! She finally arrived and we had our talk. I felt better, not completely, but a bit.

Tuesday was rough. I felt like the third wheel, the tag-along, the unwanted visitor. (Another applicant from out of town was also visiting) Towards the end of the day, I almost just packed my bags and left. This was not like the Wichita visit. I felt like I needed space. Space away from the sisters. I had another talk with my vocation director and I told her this.

Wednesday was a whirlwind of minaret visits and learning I shouldn't give directions.

Thursday was restful and I feel myself recharge. I walked the labyrinth and had a HUGE revelation. (I'll be blogging it soon)

Friday-Sunday were okay. I still felt somewhat like a third-wheel. This is something I need to work on. 

I learned a valuable lesson. I can't and shouldn't do it all! The meltdown on Sunday was made worse by exhaustion. I am working on telling people no. Itisn't  always easy, especially when it's something I want to do. I need to remember, at this stage of formation, I need to take care of myself!

Wait? Has It Really Been Over a Month?!?!

What??? I have had a very busy summer and it's only July!! I think we need an update!

Let's start where I left off...my long awaited trip to WICHITA!!!

Oooo, look, airplane picture!!! Lol! My trip was too short! I left my house (too) early so I would have plenty of time to get to the airport and through security. No major issues. I then say and waited at my gate for a few hours. I'm glad I was early because waiting at my gate is a lot less stressful than waiting in a speeding car. My flight landed safely and on time in Dallas. Then I had my dreaded terminal change. I managed it without issue! I found my gate (after already 1 gate change) then went off in search of lunch. I then went back to wait the 3 hour layover out with (healthy) food and a Diet Pepsi!

Soon after finishing, they switched gates on us for the 3rd time. I gathered my belongings and headed to the new gate. We sit there for awhile and then I notice the flight has been delayed, only by a few minutes. I notify my vocation director/person who would be picking me up. Then they switch gates on us for a 4th time! I again get all my belongings together and head to the new gate.

As we wait at the new gate, the time for my flight keeps getting pushed back. We are now over an hour delayed. The plane finally shows up, we board, and we push out from the gate! Then we sit for another hour! We pull back up to the gate and they tell us they are having problems and we are getting off and they are going to restart the plane to see if that will fix the problem. Another hour later, all is well, we are back on the plane! The crew had a great sense of humor and the flight went fast. After being stuck at DFW for 6 hours, I was ready for Wichita!

I had missed all my scheduled activities for that day, but, at the time, I was okay with that. I was tired and ready for bed.

Tuesday morning came quick! The reality that I was making my first official convent visit was setting in! I woke up and went to breakfast and morning prayer. The day was a blur of meeting sisters and finding out about what their ministries are. I had a fabulous lunch/tour of Wichita with a sister who is a historian. Then we had some "sister sharing". I felt like I really got to know the sisters and they got to know me. I attended mass and evening prayer and then had dinner with a local community of sisters. I could have sat and listened to their stories all night! The night ended and I was driven back to the convent.

Wednesday was similar. We visited some of the local sponsored ministries. I attended "friendship coffee" with some of the sisters. I also set the date for one of the "tests" for my application. (Please keep me in your prayers on August 13). I had dinner with another local community. These sisters were much quieter. On our way back, they gave me a tour of Newman University and a history lesson. It was wonderful!

Thursday was wake up, breakfast, morning prayer, say good bye, and head to the airport. The trip went by way too fast! 

Summary: I can see myself in Wichita someday!

NAS: The Holy Spirit

Ahhh!!! It's summer vacation! Today was my first day and it feels weird! I loved being at the same school all year this year! Tomorrow (May 27th) I have an interview for a full-time position at a low-income Catholic School in my diocese. So, if you could take a moment at 1:30 pm central standard time to pray that it goes well, I would be very grateful!

Now, the prompt for the NAS this week is the Holy Spirit. Seems perfect considering that we celebrated Pentecost on Sunday! 

I LOVE the first reading on Pentecost Sunday! It gives my chills whenever I hear  it. It is truely amazing how the Holy Spurit moved the disciples. They were able to speak in different tongues and were understood by all! I was looking forward to mass on Sunday solely to hear this reading and to hear the homily.

Well, things don't always go according to plan...I hurt my back somehow between Friday and Sunday. I was in pain all day and the medicine I was taking made me dizzy so I knew I would not be driving myself to mass. If my parents went, they would take my dad's truck and there was no way I would be able to get in. Even if I did make it there, sitting in a pew would be tough. I was devistated! I wanted to go so badly. 

Well, we ended up taking my brother's car. Then, one of my favorite priests was saying mass so it didn't last over 45 minutes. (Disclaimer: he's not one of my favorites because he says short masses) His homily was good, but he didn't talk about the first reading.

But he did talk about not being afraid. How God provides for all and he is there to remind us not to be afraid. He talked about how when he met St. Pope John Paul II he was told by him to not be afraid. I felt like the Holy Spirit was talking through him to me. 

The last couple of weeks have been kind of stressful. I sent in my application for the Catholics on Call Conference, but one of my references got lost so we had to quickly fix that. That same day I got my flight info for my trip to Wichita. I will not only be flying by myself for the first time, but I will have to switch planes by myself at DFW. I also have this interview for a job I REALLY want tomorrow that I have had scheduled for 2 weeks. From June 8 through June 21 I will be on the go. This has me super stressed. I'll be in Wichita, then at TEC's 50th Celebration, then a week in Ruma, and finally Assembly. So I really won't be home for nearly 2 weeks.

But, God has said be not afraid. The Holy Spirit is with me giving me the comfort and peace to get through this next month. 

Check out Jen and Morgan's blogs for more NAS goodness!

7 QT: Another Update

Wowzers! I have been busy, busy, busy!!! I've been kept busy by the sisters and doing "homework". I will now share a little of what I have been up to!

1.

I had the opputinty to explore the a Ruma convent! Wow! It's really pretty! 

I could just sit quietly here and just enjoy the beauty!

2. I had this opportunity because I was invited to attend the 50th Jubilee celebration for some of the sisters. It was a pretty ceremony. It was also my first "on my own" event that I have attended. Normally, my vocation director or another sister is my guide, but they were all busy celebrating so I was on my own. Luckily, everyone is very friendly and I ended up getting to catchup with one of the sisters that taught me in high school. As the day went on, I found myself not wanting to leave. The Ruma convent is beginning to feel like home!

3. I have also had the chance to have dinner with another small community of sisters. I was very nervous because I would again be on my own AND I had to drive on a couple of different interstates to get there. It was a lovely dinner and I had the chance to hear their vocation stories. I was kind of shocked at how similar theirs were to mine. Some of them had also, at first, said no to a religious vocation. It also took some awhile to accept that it was where God was calling them.

4. I have also began exploring the vows. This was really difficult to start. I easily read the poverty section with no trouble. I feel like I can, and kind of already do, live that vow. Most of the celibacy section seemed like it would be a struggle, but doable. It encourages a support system because leading a celibate life isn't always easy. The obedience section also seemed doable. It's not like I will be told what to do, but it will be conversations and discernment where the community and I see where I should minister. Will there be difficult times? I'm sure, but that's when you talk to someone.

5. There was one section that I read that kind of put me in a panic. It was about never having my own children. This though has always been okay with me. However, when I read this, it, all of a sudden, wasn't okay. I don't know why, but I had a nice long chat with God about this. And I do wonder if I will be okay never having my own children.

6. I had the chance to have lunch at the Ruma convent with some sisters and associates. I love how welcoming they are and how they make me feel like part of their family. Next weekend, I have been invited down to meet the Jr. Associates and spend the day with them. They are young men and women 11-20 who want to grow in their faith through prayer, study, and charity. I'm excited to meet this group!

7. As I was leaving, I may have helped myself get a job. It's amazing how God works. The principal of a local Catholic School just so happened to be there as I was leaving and she is looking to hire a middle school social studies teacher! I'm certified to teach middle school social studies. The principal is considering becoming an associate, another associate works there, but is leaving to work with sisters in Tanzania for a year, and another sister works there. I think I would fit into this school! 

Please pray for me as I go about applying for this job!

Visit Kelly for more Quick Takes!

"Ran Away Naked Mark"

This weekend, I went to mass at Our Lady of the Snows Shrine. It's a beautiful place and I have many fond memories of serving on the Teen Leadership Team there. The OLS church is one of my favorite churches and I love attending mass there. It's been awhile since I have been to mass there.

Today, we heard the gospel where the Apostle Thomas received his nickname of "Doubting Thomas". The priest had a wonderful reflection on this topic. All the other apostles saw Jesus and so they believed. But, poor Thomas was out at the time Jesus visited. He didn't get to see and didn't take the word of his fellow apostles. Jesus then appears and Thomas immediately believed. Yet, we still know Thomas as "Doubting Thomas". As the cartoon depicts, why not also call Peter "Denying Peter" and Mark "Run Away Naked Mark"? 

I shared the same picture on my Facebook page and the following was posted by a friend:

"I wake up in the morning feeling like T Diddy. Once was a doubter I'm out the door, gonna convert this city. Before I leave sell my stuff, just one cloak on my back. Cause when we go out in pairs all we take is a staff." - Forest

Do you ever find yourself doubting? Would you like to be labeled as "Doubting Patricia" or "Doubting Fred"? Let's forgive Thomas for doubting that Jesus had risen and just call him "T-Diddy"!

Jesus's Resurrection and My HoopsMania Ticket

What? How are these two things similar??? Well, I'm going to tell you.

If you follow college basketball and March Madness, then you know that tonight was the Final 4. I bought a HoopsMania ticket, which is a "bracket for dummies". I was assigned 8 teams, 2 from each area. I didn't know what teams they were for all I had were what seed. I had to wait for Selection Sunday. I had to have a little faith that whatever teams I got would perform well!

Well, I had 2 teams out in round 1 and 5 teams out in round 2...that's right...I had 1 team make it to the Sweet Sixteen! Then, that one team made it to the Elite Eight. Oh, look at that they made it to Final Four!

Again, tonight both Final Four games happened. I went to the Easter Vigil mass so I did not watch or know how the games were going. If my team lost, my card would be dead. (Not that it really matters, I have no shot at winning since all my other teams were out so early)

Now, how does this ticket tie into Jesus's Resurrection?

As I said, I was at mass tonight. It's one of my favorite masses. We sit and wait for the resurrection of Jesus. People believed him to be dead. His followers were gone, hiding in the upper room. Many thought He was gone, not to return. There was no sense to check on Him.

I thought my ticket was gone and not worth my time to check it. But, it lives! Just as Jesus lives!

Okay, I know it was a bit of a stretch and my thoughts seem a bit scattered. But did you follow? I gave up hope that my team would continue, but they did. Just when you give up hope, we find out that Jesus has risen! 

My Journey With the Sacrament of Reconciliation

I think we all have a Love-Hate relationship with the Sacrament of Reconciliation. At least I do. I'm a work in progress and this is a bit of my journey.

When I was in grade school I had a terrible experience during the Sacrament that made me SUPER uncomfortable being alone with a priest let alone telling him all my sins.

In high school, I often found myself having a personal pep talk to receive the sacrament. This pep talk has been known to last over an hour and I completely miss my chance.

In college, I convinced myself that I didn't need a priest to tell me God forgives me, I can simply ask God directly for forgiveness. Yes, I was one of "those" people. Soon, I found myself going nearly 8 years without receiving Reconciliation.

I slowly was falling away. I was a "Chreaster", attending mass just for Christmas and Easter.

Then the amazing events of 2014 happened. On Harvest 26, the priest talked about how excited we should be to receive the sacrament and celebrate after we receive God's Mercy! 

Now, I was ready and I NEEDED to go. I was REALLY nervous. I gave myself a good pep talk and got in line. I would only go to the priest that I knew, and, of course, his line was the longest and I was the last one in line. I waited and didn't let my mind talk my heart out of going. When it was my turn, the priest was getting up to leave and I motioned that I still needed to go. You see, there were 2 other priests there and both were done. I made my confession and I felt SOOO much better! It felt like I was walking on sunshine!

Fast forward to the season of Advent. I was feeling a pull in my heart to have Reconciliation again. I made plans to go to a service with my parish partnership. I had a friend who was going to go with me and my mom. Both backed out. A panic attack soon followed. I almost turned my car around so many times. I had to give myself many pep talks that night. One was just to get out of my car. Another was to walk to the church. There  was the normal one to get in line. Again, the line I chose was the longest. I then I had the pep talk to stay in line. I didn't get the same "walking on sunshine" feeling.

Last weekend, one of my favorite priests was hearing confessions during the retreat I was one. I may have done a happy dance when I found out. My pep talk was almost non-existant and I had that really happy feeling again. The only anxiety I had consisted of being worried about one of my Questers.

I'm still working through the anxiety I feel before receiving Reconciliation. I know that I can't let myself worry about it too much. Also, there are certain priests that I feel comfortable confessing to, and when I know they will be my confessor, there is little to no anxiety. I know I won't always be able to seek them out to hear my confession. 

I'm working on reclaiming Reconciliation as a happy sacrament. One that doesn't lead to a panic attack. One that doesn't require a pep talk to attend. One that realigns me with God. 

Celebrating National Catholic Sisters Week!

What better way to celebrate National Catholic Sisters Week than by starting the application process with the Adorers of the Blood of Christ!

That's right! I'm an applicant!!! Awwww!!!!

That's all! Please keep me in your prayers as I venture through this next step in my journey!

7 Quick Takes: Life Update!

I have a lot going on right now, so I figure this is the best way to update you all on my life!

1. This weekend I will serving on the adult team for a Quest retreat. This retreat is for Freshmen and Sophomores in high school. It focuses on the 3 circles of love...Love of Jesus, Love of Others, and Love of Yourself. When you balance these you find JOY! (Did you get it???) I will be giving a talk about prayer and I'm super excited to share how I pray and help the Questers see how many ways there are to pray! If you can, please keep us in your prayers this weekend! The team assembles Friday night and the Questers come Saturday morning. The retreat lasts until Sunday evening. Thanks in advance!

2. I'm officially discerning with the Adorers of the Blood of Christ! The vocation director will be in town next week and we will be getting together a couple of times to talk! I'm really excited! I have been "assigned" a bunch of "homework" to do. I have to read the spirituality section of my discernment journal. I'm also starting to plan a trip to Wichita to visit the sisters there!

3. If you read my blog, then you know I had a pretty bad week last week...this week has been a bit better. I'm now taking the approach that I'm going to do the best I can and offer my frustrations up. The serenity prayer comes to mind...

I am accepting I cannot change how she acts towards me, so I'm asking God to help me accept it!

4. 

I bought 2 packages of these delicious gifts from Australia last week...I'm pretty impressed I still have 1.5 packages still left! On the other hand, I received a box of Girl Scout cookies and I ate about half of them yesterday while I was waiting for my car to warm up...I was hungry and may have been eating my feelings...

5. I celebrated my "baptism birthday" on the 4th. 26 years I have now been a baptized member of the Catholic Church! The crazy "coincident" is that March 4th is also foundation day for the Adorers. I feel like it's a sign that I am on the right path right now!

6. We are winding down the winter weather for the season. This makes me a bit sad, mostly because I did not get a snow day. I am ready for the weather to be warm enough to take the kids outside without freezing. Between the full moon this week and being stuck inside, the kids were (literally) bouncing off the walls today.

7. The 8th grade boys like to play mass at recess. Yes, you read that correctly. They do their "mass" followed by a "circle time" to discuss how they can improve. The young man who was the "bishop" promoted himself to pope. They also have a priest, deacon, and a server. One boy is the cantor and they sing songs and the Responsorial Psalm. I even caught a bit of the homily. One told me that he is kind of interested in being a priest or deacon. Can't wait to see what comes of this class!

Check out more 7QT at This Ain't the Lyceum!

Pray for Me!

The Saints I'm asking to intercede for me week:

St. Jude (Desperate Causes)

St. Raymond Nonnatus

(Falsely Accused)

St. Ignatius of Loyola (Retreats)

St. Joseph (Workers)

St. Martin de Porres (Race Relations)

St. Vincent Ferrer (Reconciliation)

Super-Horrible-No-Good-Very-Bad Week!

I've had a super-horrible-no-good-very-bad week! 

I missed mass on Tuesday night. I (unexpectedly) had to work until 6pm and then developed a bad stress headache.

On Wednesday, I had a big fight with my "co-worker". "Co-worker" is in quotes because she doesn't always show up and when she does, she doesn't work. The fight on Wednesday was over the fact that I have developed rules and a routine that she doesn't like. I stood my ground and she decided she won't talk to me. This REALLY upset me. I couldn't believe her attitude towards me. 

Thursday, I talked with my principal about it. I told her how it wasn't just last night, but everything else that has been going on this school year. I also found out that my "co-worker"wanted to have a meeting with the principal. This really upset me. I felt like she didn't have the right to be mad because I have bent over backwards and missed events I wanted to go to so she can leave when she wants and not show up whenever she likes.

Friday, she was on the hall waiting to talk with the principal and she refused to even look at me as I walked by. Then, when we worked together, she walked out at 3:45 and didn't come back until 4:30. REALLY??? I had the kids cleanup what  they were playing with, got them snack, cleaned up snack, and had snack put away in that time. 

But, everything is going to be OKAY!!!

I found these at World Market:

They are an Australian cookie that is soooo good! It was the best way to end a bad week!

But, this week has taught me something! Working with people isn't always sunshine and roses. When/if I live in community, it's not always going to be sunshine and roses. I need to not hold in all my frustrations. In the same way, I shouldn't complain about everything. I need to find a happy middle and know when I need to seek help and mediation. I pray that I continue to learn and grow with the situations that God puts me in!

NAS: Spiritual Writing

Linking up (late) (again) with Jen at Jumping in Puddles and Morgan at Follow and Believe!

What are some of your favorite or go-to books, devotionals or even blogs that help encourage you in your spiritual life?

Sooo many good blogs out there!!! I also LOVE reading!!! This link-up seems perfect to share a little!!!

First, blogs!!

A priest friend, Fr. Daren has dzehnle.blogspot.com 

He keeps me updated on many things including Isis and the Islamic State. He also shares his homilies and is a very good blog to check out when looking to see why we Catholics do what we do. He is studying Canon Law in Rome.

Then there are the "nun blogs" I like to read because it helps with my discernment. Sounds crazy, but it makes the whole process less scary and gives me somebody to connect with.

There is Tracy at sisterintraining.blogspot.com

And then the Sisters of Charity at futureofcharity.blogspot.com

Then there is the blog database at catholicblogs.blogspot.com

It is simply a list of a BUNCH of blogs written by Catholics! 

Now, books!

I really liked My Sisters, the Saints. Check out my post about it here. I think just about everyone had read it, but it's really good! I think I will read it again before passing it on to a friend.

Then, devotionals!

This one is AMAZING!!!

I picked it up at the Pauline Bookstore while I was on a nun run in October. It's a good devotional for young, single women! Each month focuses on a different topic, from your vocation, to chasity, one day I was challenged to imagine being dead! What I REALLY like about it is that it offers a journal prompt and something to do. One day, I explored the meaning behind the miraculous medal and then purchased one and wear it daily. I REALLY encourage you all to check it out! Sr. Helena Burns is also on Twitter and is worth following! 

This journal is what I'm working through now:

It was given to me by the order that I'm currently discerning with. I would suggest it for all people who are discerning where God is calling you. It's not just for those discerning religious life.

I'm always looking for good suggestions for reading, so let me know what you have enjoyed!

Praying, Fasting, Almsgiving: What I'm doing this Lent

This Wednesday, we celebrate Ash Wednesday and the beginning of Lent.

In grade school, we always had to write down what we would be giving up and then we would take our sacrifices to the alter. After grade school, the practice of giving something up grew less important each year. I don't remember ever missing an Ash Wednesday mass, but I have always struggled with giving something up and obeying the rules for fasting and abstaining from meat.

I had a great priest in grade school who, among other things, encouraged is to not only give something up, but to pray more and to give back. This same priest also physically buried "Alleluia" in his front yard!

In the spirit of not only giving something up, I will also be spending more time in prayer and giving back.

Without further delay, my Lenten promises for 2015:

Praying:

-Attend a weekday mass once a week

(Super excited my church will offer a 7pm mass 3 Tuesdays during Lent!)

-Spend my time in my car saying the rosary instead of listening to the radio.

Fasting

-No QT/gas station stop in the morning

(I will instead drink water or bring something from home)

-Speaking ill of others

(This specifically is about my one co-worker who doesn't seem to respect me)

Almsgiving

-Clean spare change from car and donate.

-Clean out closet and donate what I don't wear.

Happy St. Valentine's Day

I have been spending my St. Valentine's Day doing some discernment. First, I read the first chapter in my discernment journal. 

I just noticed the title...seems perfect to start today!

Then, I let myself daydream about visting the sisters in Witchita, KS. I'm thinking of maybe visiting during Holy Week. I looked up possible flights and what days would be best. I also looked into Catholics on Call this summer in Chicago. This is something the ASCs want to send me to, to help with discernment.

Finally, I will wrap up my valentines day with my valentine, Jesus, in the Holy Eucharist. 

I just love my little church! Tonight's mass was special in its own way. Some of my cousins whom I don't see often sat in front of me. Their little boy read the church bulletin during the entire mass. He found something funny and had to share it. Then, someone else grabbed me while in line to remove a sticker from my pants...never a dull moment.

Today also marks 29 years since my Grandma Harbaugh passed away. I never had the chance to meet her, but I'd like to think that she (and my other grandparents and Uncle Tom) are all praying on my behalf during my discernment journey!

Today was one of the best St. Valentine's Days I have had!

Pet Peeves: Church V. Mass

We all have them. Those little things that drive you crazy.

I can't stand people balancing on two legs on a chair

Like this!!! It drives me nuts and I have been known to tell adults to sit flat! I also walk around at lunch time pushing chairs down onto 4 legs. I also won't serve snack to students not sitting correctly.

My BIGGEST pet peeve is about how people interchange church and mass. They are two different things and should not be used interchangeably

Church:

"Church" is the building. (This is my church! The foundation limestone came from my family farm) It's also the people that fill the church. We are "one, holy, and apostolic church."

Mass:

(Not my church, but this is a mass)

Mass is, well, mass! It's where we celebrate the sacrament of Holy Eucharist. 

It's broken into 4 parts: 1) Introductory Rites 2) Liturgy of the Word 3) Liturgy of the Eucharist 4) Concluding Rites 

You attend mass. People (at least my family) ask how mass was.

Do you see the difference? I try my best to educate people who often use these words interchangeable. Will you help spread the word that they are two, similar, but different things?!?!

Thank you! And PLEASE sit on all 4 legs of the chair!!!

New (Liturgical) Year Resolutions: An Update

We are through Advent, the Christmases Season, and almost to Lent. I think it's time to update on my New (Liturgical) Year resolutions. You can view my previous post here

1. Go to reconciliation once a month.

Why is this so hard??? I joked with a friend that I try hard not to sin so I don't have to go. I had a not so good reconciliation experience as a kid so I am really struggling with making the time to get to confession when it is being offered.

2. Don't miss any holy day and Sunday masses.

I missed January, 1, the Solemnity of Mary. Between Christmas and New Years I was battling a pretty gnarly cold/sinus infection. I also missed a Sunday mass due to poor weather/sick. Then I missed last weekend because I was working our church's Super Bowl Dinner/Bingo. I'm doing much better than a year ago!

3. Attend a weekday mass at least once a week.

Again, I'm riding the struggle bus. I want to find and evening week day mass that is within a reasonable distance. During Lent, I will make a mass a week, even if it means going at 8 a.m.

My resolutions aren't going great, but I'm trying. Please pray for me as I continue to struggle, especially with the sacrament of reconciliation! 

NAS: What am I Looking For??

What are the qualities and characteristics that you are looking for in your future husband? We have talked about what we don't want, but it's good to have an idea of those things that are important to us. Discerning religious life? This applies to communities, as well!

Linking up with the NAS girls (a bit tardy) this week. Jen is hosting this week and Morgan is supporting!

So, I use to dream about the perfect husband. I was looking for someone who accepted me as I was. He wasn't going to try to change me or pressure me into something I didn't want. I wanted a "knight in shiny armor". Meaning someone who would come rescue me from myself. (It would also be handy if he could change a flat tire)

Now, not so much. I imagine God as the perfect spouse. He will catch me when I fall. When I'm struggling through my day, a quick conversation with Him soothes my anxiety. I couldn't imagine a more perfect husband! (And I can still call my dad to come change that flat tire)

I'm currently still looking for the right community for me and the talents I have. My top two would be the Sisters of St. Joseph of Carondelet (CSJs) and the Adorers of the Blood Christ (ASCs). I love their charisms. They both serve people. That's what I want to do! I feel called to help others with my gift of teaching. I also feel called to help older adults like I helped my grandpa.

Many people I talk to tell of a strong feeling to wear the habit and some say they don't. I'm not totally sure. The few communities that I visited that wear a habit, I don't think I'm being called to. But, it wasn't the habit that led me to this conclusion.

The TEC program is and always will be a big part of my life. A community that let's me continue to be part of the TEC community is a must. There may be a time when I am unable to be as active as I am now, but I don't want to leave TEC forever.

Being with other people my age is also important. Often, I find myself easily the youngest person in a group. This is okay sometimes, but I also want a chance to be with other sisters who are of similar age. I know that both ASCs and CSJs have very few "younger" sisters. I know both participate in an "intercommunity novitiate  program". Also, I won't be isolated to just the sisters from the community I pick. Hanging out with both communities, the younger sisters know each other!

This has been a HARD post to write! The qualities of the community I'm looking for are similar to that of a husband. There are certain "non-negotiables" (cloistered life isn't for me) and other things that could go either way (habit or not, that is the question!). I know I want to serve people, but where and what capacity I'm still discerning. That right community may be the one I was so sure I would never even consider, and it may be the one that I haven't found yet. Guess I'll continue discerning!

Excuses, excuses, excuses!

"Church is soooo boring"

"They need to make mass more relatable to us young people"

"The little old ladies are scary"

"I have no one to go with"

"I don't like waking up on Sunday mornings"

Raise your hand if you have ever used one of these excuses to "get out" of going to mass?

 I have! (And the old ladies still terrify me so I attend mass on Saturday evenings, which also knocked out the excuse of not being a fan of mornings!)

These are excuses. We need to dig down and find the true reason why we are avoiding mass.

I found mine. I was like Jonah. God had told me what He wanted me to do, but it scared me so I ran! But, we all know how that ended with Jonah

 

Yep, he spent 3 days in the stomach of a whale. Whale, whale, whale, (teehee) Jonah still ended up doing what God had called him to do. 

That is how I feel. The "whale" I spent time in was a feeling of extreme happiness of where I was in life and the feeling that I was on a dead end road leading to no where!

Well, I, like Jonah, have realized that following God's Will leads to pretty amazing things!

I went through stages of coming back to mass. 

First, I would only go to mass at 5pm on Sundays at the Cathedral. This lasted a couple of months. I liked going there because it is a large church that I can easily blend in at. I liked the anonymity. No one was looking at me.  

Second, I became an Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion. This gave me a reason to attend my home parish.

Third, I began attending Saturday evening mass at my home parish. I liked this because often the people scheduled to be Eucharistic Ministers don't show up, so I get to do it.

Becoming a Eucharistic Minister has made me WANT to attend mass at my parish.

I have missed 3 Sunday masses and 1 Holy Day of Obligation since July. (I was battling a pretty intense cold/sinus infection over the Christmas season. Sometimes it's better to keep my germs to myself.)

So, are you using these excuses to run from God?

 

A Little on Friendships

I talk about friends of mine often here. I'm amazed with how supportive my true friends are. 

When I first made the decision to seriously start discerning, it was one friend in particular that really helped. His response shocked me...it was an "of course you are. You will be great" type of response. It was exactly what I needed to hear.

It was a group of friends that I told first that I was discerning. I was more comfortable telling them then telling my own family.

On the flip side, I had friends I was terrified of telling because they had told me in passing how stupid it would be to pursue such a way of life.

Then there are "friends" I would love to tell, but, for some reason, they no longer acknowledge my existence.

The school I attended for 1st and 2nd grade had just 6 of us in my grade. 5 of us attended the same school through high school. 3 of us still regularly attend our home church. 2 of us are registered and active members. It was this other person that has inspired this post.

Last Saturday, we were sitting within "sign of peace range". (Meaning different pews, but didn't have to over stretch to offer the sign of peace) I had my hand outstretched to offer her and her  husband the sign of peace, she turned the other way.

Wow! What had our former friendship turned to?!?! At a church bingo, we were working near each other and I couldn't even catch her eye to give her a smile. I would LOVE to share my good news with those I grew up with, but they don't seem to want to acknowledge my existence! I wonder what I did to receive this kind if treatment.

She isn't the only one. Back in August, 4 of us were at mass. It was like everyone had blinders on, afraid to make eye-contact. At our church picnic, I almost dislocated my arm waving at one of them.

Part of me wants to think that they are jealous of me. I often attend mass alone and volunteer in a few ministries. But I don't see how this is something to be jealous of. Another part if me wonders if I somehow offended them. Did I ignore them at some point? Did I not go to something I was invited to?

All of this makes me that much more thankful for the friends that I have. Friends who want to go on adventures with me. Friends who know what to say when I'm freaking out about the future. Friends who I know will be there for me and I will be there for them!