A Lesson Learned the Hard Way

As I (think) I have mentioned, June was a busy month for me. 

June 8-11: Wichita Trip

June 12-14: TEC 50th Anniversary (I was in charge of the Wheat Team)

June 15-19: Ruma Visit

June 19-21: Assembly of US Region Sisters

June 21: Tickets to the Muny

I had spread myself a bit too thin and it stressed me out. These were all things I wanted to do, but should I? I also had family from out of state in June 12-14, would I get a chance to visit with them? I was/am applying for jobs that are full time and come with benefits, but not having much luck.

As you can see from my last post, I had a blast on my Wichita trip! I came home that Thursday and crashed! I had *hoped* to sleep until about 10am Friday. I would then get up and head to Belleville for the TEC 50th. I received a text at 7:30am asking if I could come early. I was at the 50th by 9:30am...I didn't get to sleep in and felt lucky to have clean clothes on. The day went well. They even gave me this awesome walkie-talkie comets with secret service earpiece!

I didn't get home until after midnight and was up again around 6am. This was the pattern for the weekend. I was exhausted by Sunday! Saturday night/Sunday consisted of a complete breakdown doubting my entire discernment. I wondered if I was going to fast. I was unsure if I should go on the Ruma visit. I was late Sunday morning getting to the 50th because I had been crying in my car. Walking in to the church, I began crying again. Once mass started, more tears of doubt. I spent the first part of mass in the bathroom, crying. And texting my vocation director. I did t know how to handle all these emotions. She was going to be in town the next day so I made her promise that we would have time to talk and I promised I would not back out (yet) from the visit.

Monday I slept and felt better, but I knew I needed to talk! She finally arrived and we had our talk. I felt better, not completely, but a bit.

Tuesday was rough. I felt like the third wheel, the tag-along, the unwanted visitor. (Another applicant from out of town was also visiting) Towards the end of the day, I almost just packed my bags and left. This was not like the Wichita visit. I felt like I needed space. Space away from the sisters. I had another talk with my vocation director and I told her this.

Wednesday was a whirlwind of minaret visits and learning I shouldn't give directions.

Thursday was restful and I feel myself recharge. I walked the labyrinth and had a HUGE revelation. (I'll be blogging it soon)

Friday-Sunday were okay. I still felt somewhat like a third-wheel. This is something I need to work on. 

I learned a valuable lesson. I can't and shouldn't do it all! The meltdown on Sunday was made worse by exhaustion. I am working on telling people no. Itisn't  always easy, especially when it's something I want to do. I need to remember, at this stage of formation, I need to take care of myself!