My Journey With the Sacrament of Reconciliation

I think we all have a Love-Hate relationship with the Sacrament of Reconciliation. At least I do. I'm a work in progress and this is a bit of my journey.

When I was in grade school I had a terrible experience during the Sacrament that made me SUPER uncomfortable being alone with a priest let alone telling him all my sins.

In high school, I often found myself having a personal pep talk to receive the sacrament. This pep talk has been known to last over an hour and I completely miss my chance.

In college, I convinced myself that I didn't need a priest to tell me God forgives me, I can simply ask God directly for forgiveness. Yes, I was one of "those" people. Soon, I found myself going nearly 8 years without receiving Reconciliation.

I slowly was falling away. I was a "Chreaster", attending mass just for Christmas and Easter.

Then the amazing events of 2014 happened. On Harvest 26, the priest talked about how excited we should be to receive the sacrament and celebrate after we receive God's Mercy! 

Now, I was ready and I NEEDED to go. I was REALLY nervous. I gave myself a good pep talk and got in line. I would only go to the priest that I knew, and, of course, his line was the longest and I was the last one in line. I waited and didn't let my mind talk my heart out of going. When it was my turn, the priest was getting up to leave and I motioned that I still needed to go. You see, there were 2 other priests there and both were done. I made my confession and I felt SOOO much better! It felt like I was walking on sunshine!

Fast forward to the season of Advent. I was feeling a pull in my heart to have Reconciliation again. I made plans to go to a service with my parish partnership. I had a friend who was going to go with me and my mom. Both backed out. A panic attack soon followed. I almost turned my car around so many times. I had to give myself many pep talks that night. One was just to get out of my car. Another was to walk to the church. There  was the normal one to get in line. Again, the line I chose was the longest. I then I had the pep talk to stay in line. I didn't get the same "walking on sunshine" feeling.

Last weekend, one of my favorite priests was hearing confessions during the retreat I was one. I may have done a happy dance when I found out. My pep talk was almost non-existant and I had that really happy feeling again. The only anxiety I had consisted of being worried about one of my Questers.

I'm still working through the anxiety I feel before receiving Reconciliation. I know that I can't let myself worry about it too much. Also, there are certain priests that I feel comfortable confessing to, and when I know they will be my confessor, there is little to no anxiety. I know I won't always be able to seek them out to hear my confession. 

I'm working on reclaiming Reconciliation as a happy sacrament. One that doesn't lead to a panic attack. One that doesn't require a pep talk to attend. One that realigns me with God.