“For those who are called, no explanation is necessary. For those who are not called, no explanation is possible.”

“For those who are called, no explanation is necessary.  For those who are not called, no explanation is possible.”

I read this in a blog and it comes from the movie "The Song of Bernadette". I don't think I have ever seen the movie, but it is now on my list of movies to watch. 

When I read it, it all made sense. I have tried to explain to people how it feels to have this call and why I am going down this path, and I can't. I find it difficult to even express to myself this call. I feel it in my heart, and I have to follow it. 

I have never had such a sense of peace. Yes, I had trouble sleeping the first few nights after I decided to FINALLY answer the call, but now that I am actively discerning, I'm at peace and feel good!

Hungry for Knowledge

I have been wanting "more" since realizing God's call back in June. With that want, I have been searching out other blogs to read, books, articles, anything that would help feed this hunger.

The more I read, the more I feel like this is the right place for me to be exploring. I read one blog today that echoed what I have been feeling for the past 7 years... It was about hearing the call, but not wanting to answer. Those 7 years of ignoring God's call drove me away from the church. I wanted (subconsciously) to distance myself from this call that I didn't want.

This is just a fun picture a friend (who does not know I'm discerning) posted on Facebook this week. When I saw it I thought "that is the kind of nun I want to be!!" Upon some investigating, I believe they are Carmelite Sisters living in East Chicago.

Do It Afraid

This whole idea of religious life is scary. Why? Because who does it?? Who goes against "social norms" and joins a convent?? What will people think?? What if people think it's a terrible idea??? What if I end up not continuing, then what will people think???

All these questions I can't answer. I'm afraid of the answers and what will come out if this process...I just have to do it afraid. Give me the strength to do it all afraid!!!

Dear God,

Give me the strength to do Your will. Let me not worry about the reactions of others. 

Beliefs

I have always had strong Catholic beliefs. I *tried* to start a pro-life group in high school. I have done the March for Life. I am not only against abortion, I am against the death penalty and killing in general. When I hear of someone put to death, I say a prayer for the poor soul who has died and the poor soul who had to do the killing.

I'm sure you didn't want to read about my pro-life beliefs though and that is not the reason for this post...

I have always felt the need to hide my feelings about these and other topics from people. They tend to call me close minded and other, more hateful, names. However, since the moment I started my discernment journey, I haven't felt the need to hide my beliefs. I don't know where I heard it/read it/whatever. But, the people who say I'm close minded sand what-not are being just that. I don't believe what they believe, so I'm wrong...hmmm....

I am *trying* not to make judgement of people. Jesus loved the tax collector, so must we. If you don't agree with me, that is perfectly okay! I'm being called to help those that need it. I'm not here to tell you what you believe is right or wrong!

Secrets

I'm not telling many people that I have started to discernment process. I'm sitting with family now and I so badly want to tell them, but I'm not ready to see what their reaction is. I feel like they know something, but I don't want to tell them.

Why is it easier to tell people I'm not super close with? I was excited/scared to tell my TEC family last weekend. I'm nervous/scared to tell my family. I have no idea how to tell my other friends.  I know some will feel betrayed. 

I'm getting ready to go on a trip with people I know won't take my news well. How do I know this? I talked casually about it a few months ago and they told me how terrible of an idea it was. I don't plan on telling them while we are away. I pray to God that I have the strength to keep my secret. I don't want to upset people when it's not even a "for sure" thing.

Freedom

Happy 4th of July!!! 

Aren't we lucky to live in a country who let's is excersize religious freedom??? I think of other countries where women aren't given the chance to discern. Where some have to sneak out and join without anyone knowing.

Today, I am feeling a different type of freedom. It's hard to discribe. It's the feeling you get at the end of the day when you take off your nice work clothes and put on your well woren pajamas. The freedom to be who you were ment to be...I hope that makes sense.

Have a happy and safe 4th of July!!!

Good "Enough"

For the past few months, I have been having feelings of not being "enough". I felt like I wasn't good enough for my family because they seemed to be doing a lot of things without me and not telling me their plans. I felt that I wasn't a good enough teacher because I couldn't find a full time job and was settling as a substitute. I felt like I wasn't good enough for my friends because when they would once call me to go somewhere with them, now they wouldn't. I was feeling very isolated and alone. I felt like I wasn't enough for God either. I stopped going to church (although I pretended to be. "Good Catholic") and I didn't pray as often as I once did. It was a terrible place to be. 

It was months of feeling this way...and now most of those feelings are gone. It has been a week since I decided to listen to God's Call. I feel happy when I wake up! I can't wait to start my day with prayer! I can't wait to end my day with prayer! I'm even planning where I will be attending mass on Sunday!!! I can't believe I didn't listen sooner!

On another note, I have made contact with someone who could become my spiritual director through this process. I meet with her on Monday. I'll let you all know how it goes!

Listening to God's Call- The Start of My Discernment

The first time I can remember thinking of becoming a sister and vocalized it was on a TEC retreat. I know the location of the weekend, where I was sitting when I said it, and how I reacted when someone suggested I talk to someone about it (I shrugged and did a little research after the weekend and left it there). I was still in high school and had ZERO interest in not following along with the "social norms". 

In between then and now, I had a few signs from God that I should explore and discern more, but I ignored them. It wasn't what I WANTED to do. 

This past March (2014), I was volunteering at the TEC table at DYC and across from us was the Adorers of the Precious Blood and Sister Marcia, my high school Spanish teacher. I went over and said "hi" and left with a stack of pamphlets and was told, "you should join us." I went back to my table and made a big joke of it. The youth minister of diocese came over and talked to us for awhile. A guy I had NEVER met and he too told me I would make a great sister. Two people in one day, but I didn't want to listen to God. Again, it wasn't what I WANTED.

Fast forward to June 26, 2014. It was the day before the Harvest retreat I was to be on team for and there was a Theology on Tap hosted by the Poor Handmaids of Jesus Christ. I didn't know who, if anyone, was going. I went and was 1 of 3 people attending besides the panel. The topic of discussing "Answering God's Call"

Everything just seemed to click. I realized what God was trying to tell me!!! I went home, my heart on fire, and worked my big revelation into my talk entitled "Mary, the True Servant of God" (another sign I now see that God was calling me to start discerning religious life). 

Friday came and the retreat started in the evening. My talk wasn't until Sunday and I was determined not to tell ANYONE until then. I slept a total of 1.5 hours Friday night...that's when I realized I needed to tell someone.

The perfect time showed itself with the perfect person. The vocation director was on the weekend and an activity we did after a talk was to break into pairs and share our faith journey...it was more of him guiding me in my next steps, but it's what I needed. We had an hour break and I was able to quiet my mind enough for a quick nap.

I ended up telling 1 more person on Saturday. He is a dear friend who I have known since high school. We were sitting together and I was still stressed about telling people that I was starting discernment (but he, like others, thought I was just stressed about giving my talk the next morning). I made him promise not to tell anyone and his reaction was what I needed. He told me that he could see me becoming a nun. I was able to relax and quiet my mind enough to get 3 whole hours of sleep!!!

Sunday came and I was up for 5 hours before I was to give my talk...my talk started at 9:30am...Anyway, I gave my talk, got to the part of doing God's will, paused, asked God to give me the courage to say it, and said it. Not one person told me I was crazy or it was a bad idea (something that was said to me back in March when I got those pamphlets)

The retreat ended, I'm back home, and I can feel the peace and happiness still. I pray every morning. I have been reading the mass readings and I started a novena to Mary, the Undoer of Knots. I still haven't told family. I have told a few other people (2) outside the weekend. Tomorrow I will call a person that was suggested to me to be a spiritual director.

This is just the beginning of my journey. I can't wait to see where God leads me!